You know ‘aloha’ means both ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’. I’ve always liked that about it.
So, it’s been a while since I’ve written. A little update: my month of ‘no internet’ lasted about 2 weeks, but I didn’t Facebook or blog for the entire month, so that’s something. I did watch the office on Netflix, and wasted time looking at school districts and neighborhoods in LA, and at jobs and apartments/homes for sale in Austin. Looking at homes for sale in places I want to live is one of my favorite time-wasters. What can I say, I’m a daydreamer.
My dad had the brain surgery and came through with flying colors. He’s still got the rotten lung though, and another tumor in the brain that is too far imbedded to get to. They’re going to try to treat the remaining tumor with radiation. He’s been officially diagnosed with metastasized adenocarcinoma lung cancer. Apparently ‘adenocarcinoma’ is the most common type of lung cancer in people who smoked for a good portion of their lives. The most common type period, I believe, and very deadly. The prognosis for survival is minimal. We’re looking at (optimistically) two years, max. But my dad is a stubborn SOB, so he may surprise us.
This summer (starting June 17th), K and I will be driving down to Austin while B studies for and takes the bar. We’ll spend as much time with my dad as we can, as much as he can stand us, and B can study like crazy with us out of the way. (I thought life would be cooler once law school ended, but bar-study sucks).
As far as where we will live when the sumer is over, that’s anyone’s guess. I’m dealing with that as well as I can, which is to say – not too well. I am a lover of the ground, stability, sureness. I don’t like routine, sameness, predictability – but I need the earth under my feet to be stable in order to grow. I need to be able to plant my roots; I can’t grow without them and I’m having a hard time with that. I feel lost, like I’m nowhere. I can’t be fully here, in Sacramento – we’re not staying here. But I can’t be anywhere else either, because I don’t know where we’ll be. All I want to do is go Home. To be in Austin with our family. To be with my dad and family and friends. I recognize very clearly that family and friends are THE most important thing. But I am not in charge here. It’s a daily act of letting go. And even harder to think about the next move and its potential effect on K.
I’ve taken a break from teaching yoga to deal with and take care of myself. To figure out what the heck is going on with me and what I’m about. I’ve been through a cycle of anger and depression and helplessness this last month. I suppose it’s all normal, considering the circumstances, but I really needed to give myself time to get down in it and feel. Maybe it helped.
I’m still frustrated over my lack of power over my own future. I feel a strong desire to be Home with my family, and sorry that I can’t make that happen. I feel an almost psychotic need to plan (the move, the summer, next month!, where K will go to school, where we will live, the packing, the traveling!) and maddened that I can’t plan Anything. Even if a plan is just a gigantic illusion, it still makes one feel better to HAVE A PLAN! I am so tired of waiting for someone/something else to decide my life, and yet – I know I need to be patient for just a bit longer. Soon, we will know.
I’m looking forward to spending time with K and my dad, my sisters, friends and family in Austin this summer. Perhaps it will be bittersweet, and perhaps it will only be the beginning. On the other hand, I’m already sad about leaving Sacramento and all the beautiful people here, the life we created and the folks who came into it.
I hope our Sacramento friends always know that they are welcome and encouraged to visit and stay with us, where ever the heck we end up. Aloha.